


My guide

by TheStarsAndSpears



Category: Mass Effect Trilogy
Genre: Alternate Universe, Flashbacks, Gore, Hurt/Comfort, Jealousy, Love, M/M, Mental Breakdown, Mental Instability, Multi, Threesome - M/M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-02-24
Updated: 2021-02-24
Packaged: 2021-03-14 13:55:46
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,731
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29668305
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheStarsAndSpears/pseuds/TheStarsAndSpears
Summary: They have been through a lot, two years of pain, a painful reunion, and an act of revenge that left many wounds open, but there is nothing that Kaidan Alenko and John Shepard can't overcome together, right?Alex was created to replace the real Commander Shepard, his mission was to kill him to take his place, but he was not counting on a crew and a man who would give everything to save the Commander's life. Then he fell in love with the person who was forbidden to him.
Relationships: Kaidan Alenko/Male Shepard, Kaidan Alenko/Male Shepard/Shepard Clone
Kudos: 3





	My guide

**Author's Note:**

> My friend John_Shepard helped me write this story and asked her permission to use her idea about Kaidan, John, and his clone together. I love her story, but unfortunately, she is going through a lot right now, so she has not been able to continue her fiction, but she will write again when her mother gets better. Like my friend, I am Hispanic, and my English is limited, but I hope you can understand my writing.

"Where is the Commander?"

Kaidan spat out the blood before looking at the Batarian. His eyes blazed with anger. He wanted to kill him, but he couldn't do it, and he felt powerless for not being able to do it. "I don't know, and even if I knew, I would never tell you!" Kaidan yelled, and at no point did he show fear or beg for mercy; he had pride.

"So, you're willing to die for Shepard, how pathetic!"

Kaidan has his hands tied behind his back. Sweat and blood are dripping down his face. He had lost track of time; therefore, he doesn't know how long he has been on that base. Kaidan was training his student when a group of Batarians cornered them; he helped them escape, but he didn't have the same luck, and he got captured. Kaidan was hit hard on the back, so he lost consciousness when he came to it; he was already at that base.

Kaidan does not know how the Batarian leader found out about the relationship between John and him. They thought he knew the Commander's whereabouts, but they were wrong. Kaidan saw John on Horizon, but that encounter was not exactly pleasant. He returned to the Citadel to report to Anderson, and the Commander continued his mission; therefore, they lost contact. To this day, Kaidan regrets having turned his back on the man he loves; he should have listened to him and understood the reasons why he joined Cerberus.

When Kaidan reported to Anderson, he told him the real reason why he sent him to Horizon. Anderson knew that John was alive and why he joined Cerberus, but he hid it from him; if he had told him, Kaidan is sure that he would have reacted differently. For more regret that he felt for his actions in Horizonte, he couldn't do anything about it. The only solution Kaidan found to correct his mistake was to send John an Email, apologizing, but he knows that wasn't enough.

Kaidan owes John a lot, so if that Batarian thinks he's going to betray him, he kidnaps the wrong person. Kaidan knows what happened to the Alpha relay. He is sure that his Commander had good reasons to destroy it; the bad thing was that in doing so, he killed a Batarian colony, and that is why they want his head. Kaidan is unwilling to let the Batarians find John because if they do, they will kill him, and he will not allow it. He already led John down once; he will not do it twice.

"Kill me; I am ready to die."

"I'm not going to kill you. I'm not that stupid, I know what you mean to the Commander, he will come for you, and we are ready for him." Kaidan started laughing. "What is so funny?"

That comment sent him chills. "You don't know who you're dealing with here. Shepard is ruthless. He's going to kill you and your crew in the blink of an eye. You don't stand a chance against him." He saw the Batarian kneel in front of him and smile. Kaidan propelled his body forward and challenged him with his gaze.

"Maybe, but Shepard will not kill me before I kill you in front of him to see him suffer as I have, then I can die in peace. My family was in the colony. Shepard took everything I had; therefore, I no longer have anything to keep me here. I am ready to die."

Kaidan felt chills with that comment. He could understand the Batarian hatred, but revenge is not the right way out. Kaidan is sure that John had no choice but to destroy the Alpha relay. The commander is ruthless on the battlefield, but he was not a murderer; he didn't fall in love with a murderer. John Shepard has done things that he is not proud of, but he has never killed someone without reason.

When Kaidan was left alone, he took a deep breath. His vision was blurry, and he has a horrible headache that will soon become one of his migraines. He tried to stand up, but he only managed to fall to the side. Kaidan closed his eyes and thought of a pair of blue eyes that were always on his mind. He wanted to see John again, but maybe he will never have that chance, or perhaps he will, but he knows that John will take a heavy hit when he sees him like this.

Kaidan didn't want to cry, but he couldn't hold back the tears. He should be fearful for his life, yet he was disappointed in himself for getting caught. John taught him to be a good soldier, but he was careless, and now his ex-lover will suffer for it. "I'm sorry, love," Kaidan whisper before losing consciousness.

* * *

John turned his pistol to the side to make sure everything was okay with it because the last time he used it, it jammed, and he didn't want any mistakes. John does not make mistakes. He is bold, fast, and quite intelligent on the battlefield, but this mission is the most important of his life. John is on a mission to rescue the man he loves so nothing can go wrong.

John looked at James and got up to address his crew. "Listen up; I don't want mistakes. Our goal is to rescue Major Alenko, at all costs, do you understand me?"

"Yes, sir," they all answered at the same time.

John has been through hell in the last two weeks. John was delivering the Normandy when Anderson contacted him to inform him of what happened to Kaidan. John felt his world fall apart when his ex-captain told him that the Batarians took Kaidan because he knows what they can do. John got in charge of the rescue mission; he would not allow anyone else to do it.

John has been made since Horizon, but that doesn't mean his feelings have changed. He is still very much in love with the man; therefore, even if he does not show it, he feels desperate and terrified. John doesn't know what he's going to do if something happens to Kaidan; that man means the world to him.

"So, we are going to kill anything in our way, right?"

John nodded and then stared at Lieutenant James, who got assigned by Ardenson to assist him on that mission. John hasn't talked much with the man. John has always kept his distance from his staff, he doesn't like to associate pleasure with work, but he didn't mind breaking that rule with Kaidan. The Lieutenant blew his mind with his smile and kindness.

Kaidan is an incredible human being with a big heart. When they met, John had trouble understanding him. Being a soldier means that sometimes you have to make drastic decisions or be cruel, and Kaidan was too good.

As time went by, Kaidan showed him that having a generous heart does not mean that you can't be a good soldier. Kaidan provoked that he had everything to be in the front line. He became indispensable, so he took him on all his missions. John did not take a step without consulting him, and although sometimes they did not agree, John always ended up doing what the Lieutenant suggested, but the best of all was that Kaidan made him a better man.

_"Anderson, I came as soon as possible, but I have to admit that I was surprised by your message. I had already told you that I would come to deliver the ship and myself." John was already in the process of dropping off his crew at Omega when he received an urgent message from Anderson._

_"I know you would keep your word Shepard, but something very urgent came up."_

_His old captain got silent, and he sensed that something was wrong. "What's going on, Anderson?"_

_"Shepard, please sit down."_

_John's eyes narrowed. "I'm fine standing, so please tell me, what's going on?"_

_"Okay, it's about Kaidan."_

_His heart sank, and his knees went limp, but he was able to remain standing. "What's going on with Kaidan, Anderson?" His old captain remained silent, and he took another step towards him. "What the hell is wrong with Kaidan?" This time his tone got louder. The man's silence was making him even more worried. "I swear to God, Anderson, that if you don't talk soon-"_

_"Kaidan was on a mission with his student when a group of Batarians attacked them. He managed to save the student, but he got captured, and we don't know where they took him, but I can imagine the reason why they captured him."_

_He felt so nauseous that he had to clutch his stomach, and he hardly ever feels sick, but this is different. Anderson tried to touch him, but he pulled away and held himself onto the nearby wall. John is Commander Shepard, with a reputation for being ruthless on the battlefield, but if there's one thing that can kill him, it's losing Kaidan. That man softens his heart, made him see life differently, made him human. John would do anything for Kaidan because he loves him more than anything in this world._

_It took a few minutes for John to compose himself so he could address Anderson. "Kaidan got kidnapped to get to me, but I know he would rather die than give any information, so I need to find him fast. Do you have any information so I can start?"_

_"I have a clue. Shepard, I formed a crew to rescue Kaidan."_

_"I'm going to rescue the Lieutenant!"_

_"First, Kaidan got promoted to Major, and last, your feelings may compromise the mission."_

_John was happy to hear that Kaidan got promoted because he deserved it, but he didn't like the rest of the comment. "You know about my feelings, I got it, but you're wrong. How I feel about Kaidan, it won't affect my judgment." John took a deep breath, then place his hands on his waist and walked over to Anderson. "Kaidan is going to make it out of this alive, I can assure you of that."_

_"I do not doubt that, but as you said, Kaidan got kidnapped to get to you, so if they capture you, the Batarian will not hesitate to kill you."_

_John laughed out loud. "Believe me; they are going to die before they have a chance to get to me."_

_"Shepard, you can't take justice into your hands."_

_"They are going to pay for what they did to Kaidan, end of discussion."_

_Anderson took a deep breath. "That's why you should put this aside and let me handle it."_

_"Anderson, I am not going to play games, you know what Kaidan means to me; therefore, I am not going to let anyone else do the mission, and that is my last word."_

_John may understand Anderson's concern, but he's not stupid to let his feelings cloud his judgment, especially when the life of the man he loves is at risk. John remembers few close calls when they were on the battlefield fighting together, and he felt desperate every time he saw him in danger. Kaidan's life is sacred to him; therefore, he will be more careful than ever._

_"Okay, but you're taking Lieutenant James and another two of our best soldiers with you." The Commander nodded. "Shepard acts with your head, not with your heart, so you don't make mistakes."_

_"Don't ask me that, Anderson." John moved away from him, then walked to the balcony, propped his hands on the wall, and then looked ahead. Anderson stood next to him, but he remained silent, looking at the view. His sight got clouded with tears, and he tried to hold them back because he doesn't like to show his feelings in public. The only person who has seen his vulnerable side is Kaidan._

_Anderson put his hand on the Commander's right shoulder and looked forward. "You love Kaidan?"_

_John wasn't expecting that question, he thought it was obvious how he felt about Kaidan, but if Anderson needs to hear it from his mouth, he will tell him. "Yes, and I am not ashamed to say so. I adore Kaidan Alenko, and although things between us have not been good because of everything that happened during the last two years, he is still the only person I care about in this damn galaxy."_

_"Shepard, he can be-"_

_"Don't you dare to suggest it!" John shook his head. "Kaidan is alive, and I'm going to find him."_

_"Kaidan came to see me after Horizonte; he was furious with me for hiding that I knew you were alive." Anderson took a deep breath and propped his hands off the wall. "Shepard, Kaidan suffered a lot these last two years; your death made him a bitter man. His reaction on Horizon had nothing to do with how he felt about you."_

_John cleared his throat. "I know. Kaidan has always been loyal to the Alliance; therefore, his reaction was normal, but despite that, I can't deny that it hurt. Kaidan knows more than anyone who I am and what I can do for the good of the galaxy. " John wiped his tears away. "None of that matters right now. I have to find him, and we'll clear things up later." John knows how much Kaidan loves him; therefore, he is sure that they will clarify their differences to continue the beautiful relationship they had before he died._

_"You need to know that the Alliance wants you to keep a low profile. They recommended house arrest, but I gave my word that you are going to be discreet. After you rescue Kaidan, I need you to stay low; the Alliance doesn't want any more problems with the Batarians, with the Reapers so close to our door. "_

_"I will, but right now, what I want is to meet with the Lieutenants you mentioned and start the search. The minutes we spent here are minutes that those bastards are using to torture Kaidan."_

_"Commander, if you capture the leader-"_

_"He's already dead!"_

_"Shepard-"_

_"He's already dead! No one touches Kaidan and lives to talk about it," was the last thing John said. He has a reputation for being ruthless, and when he finds Kaidan and his kidnappers, he will be more than cruel to them. He will have no mercy._

"Commander."

John looked up when he heard Cortez's voice. "Yes."

"We are here."

John nodded and got up to walk towards the hatch, then authorized James to open after the shuttle landed. "Remember, kill everything in your path, but do not touch the leader; he is mine."

John jumped off the shuttle immediately it hit the ground. The first thing he noticed was that the base was well guarded, so they ran for cover as soon as possible. They reached the gate fast, killing everything in their path. There was not a Batarian left alive outside the base. Only one Batarian was left standing, and when he tried to run towards the door, he shot him in the head, killing him instantly then they entered the base. John directed James to the left and the others to the right to have all sides covered.

John continued to move forward, then he saw someone move in the dark, but he didn't shoot him; he carefully followed the figure. John followed him, but he got lost on the way. His crew dealt with the rest of the Batarians. The base wasn't too big, so they could check some of the rooms without problems. "Commander!" James yelled at him, and he saw someone lunge towards him, but John quickly jumped to the side, and the Batarian fell to the ground. He raised his pistol and pointed it directly at his face.

John is an old soldier; he has seen and gunned down a lot of enemies. He has seen the fear directly in their eyes, but that was not what he sees right now. John sees hatred in that Batarian's eyes, so he realized that the man has something personal against him, that in some way, somehow, he is responsible for something that he lost. "In a few minutes, we will get to the point where I am responsible for something you lost, but now you are going to tell me where Major Alenko is. "

"I knew that the great Commander Shepard himself would come to his boy's rescue."

John clenched his fists tightly. "Where is Major Alenko?"

"Commander here," Cortez spoke, pointing to another room.

John looked up at James. "Stay with him," John ordered and then stepped into the other room. He took just one step inside and immediately stopped because what he saw chilled him to the bone. It was a human body lying on the floor in a pool of blood. His hands began to shake uncontrollably, his stomach twisted, and for a few seconds, he couldn't move.

His mind and body froze until he heard a sound, then he ran towards the body. John knelt and looked at the man; his face looks so bruised that he couldn't make out who he was, but John's heart knew it. "Kai..." John spoke the name of his loved one with a trembling voice, then grabbed him and wrapped his arms around him. Tears began to roll down his cheek. "Oh babe, I am sorry," John whispered as he looked at Kaidan with a broken heart then saw him try to speak, but he just mourned in pain; his body was so cold from all the blood he had lost. He had wounds all over his body; those bastards had tortured him.

"How does it feel to lose the one thing you love?"

John looked up. De Batarian was standing between James and Cortez. He had a sinister smile on his face, but he no longer saw hatred in his eyes; it got replaced with something else that made him feel angrier. "Tony, come here." He ordered, then focused his attention on Kaidan again. "Hold on, babe, you are going to be fine," John spoke. He got up, holding his loved one in his arms, then walked to the lieutenant and gave it to him. "Take him to the shuttle; I'll be there soon. Cortez, be ready to leave as soon I get there."

"Yes, Commander."

"You messed with the wrong guy." He saw de Batarian take a step back, but he was faster than him and grabbed him by the neck.

"The Lieutenant is just one person; you killed all my family and my friends."

"Kaidan had nothing to do with what happened in the Bahak system. I am the only responsible, so why didn't you confront me? Why the Major?"

"You are a difficult person to find, Commander Shepard; therefore, I studied you. I know you have no family; you grew up in the street, Shepard, but after you defeated Saren, you spent your time with that human, so I tie up loose ends."

"Kaidan didn't know of my whereabouts."

"I know, but it wouldn't have mattered because the poor human would have given his life for you, that is called love, which you took from me when you killed my family."

John understands the man's pain, but if there is something he has learned over time is that revenge doesn't leave to anything good. "Do you think I wanted to kill your people? I did my best to warn them, but there wasn't enough time. The thing is, they would have died anyway if the Reapers had arrived, so I killed a few for the sake of millions, but that was my decision, and I am the only one responsible." John's voice broke, and he clutched the man's neck tighter. "You took revenge on the wrong person."

"I don't think so, I can see the pain in your face, and with that, my revenge is accomplished so I can die in peace to be with my family."

John put a sinister smile on his face. "You're going to die but not in peace," John spoke before punching him on his face, and he continued hitting him over and over until he took one last breath. Maybe John understood the guy, but he hurt Kaidan, and he couldn't forgive that.

John left the room and hurried towards the Shuttle; when he was getting close to it, he saw James wave his hands to get him to speed up, so John did. "What's happening?" John's right hand was bleeding, his knots are open, but he felt no pain, at least not in his hand; his heart was a different story.

"If we don't leave now, the Major is not going to survive; he started to convulse. I'm not a doctor, but I get the impression that he has some internal bleeding in his brain."

John sat next to Kaidan and took him into his arms. The Shuttle took off, and he didn't care that his crew was looking at him to begin stroking Kaidan's hair with his bloodied hand. John pressed Kaidan's body to his and brought his mouth to his ear. It was hard to talk, breathe and think. Tears clouded his eyes, and he didn't give a damn that his crew is seeing that side that Kaidan had only seen until now. "I'm here, and I'm not going to separate from you for a minute. You will get better for the good of this galaxy because everything will go to hell without you, and I will do nothing about it. Life without you is tough, Kaidan, and I've been through it for a few months, don't make me do it for a lifetime."

James couldn't believe his eyes; he couldn't believe that such a powerful and fearsome man is falling apart for the life of another human being. "I see that the Major means a lot to you."

John heard James but didn't turn to look at him; he was aware of Kaidan's breathing. "There is no one I care more than Kaidan in this galaxy."

"He will be fine, commander."

John moved his hand towards Kaidan's cheek; John moved his hands up to Kaidan's bloody cheeks to caress them with the back of his fingers. Kaidan flapped his hand and tried to open his eyes, but he started to despair and breathed heavily. "Calm down, Kai, please." It took a few seconds, but his voice comforted him, and he fell asleep again. When they arrived at the base, Anderson was already waiting for him with medical attention for Kaidan, but he didn't want to let go of him.

"Shepard, Kaidan needs medical attention now, so give him to the doctor so she can treat him." Anderson saw the man's bloody hand. "You also need to have that hand looked at."

"My hand is fine." John got up with Kaidan in his arms, and he put him on the stretcher then looked at the Doctor. "He needs to live!"

"I will do everything possible-"

"No, you didn't understand me; Kaidan has to live," John spoke with a threatening tone. The Doctor nodded, then he watched them walk away with Kaidan, he took a step forward, but Anderson stopped him. "Let me go."

"No, I already told you that you have to attend at that hand, and then you need to give your report of what happened in the base."

John frowned. "I already told you that my hand is fine. About the report, you know very well what happened; I found Kaidan, the person who kidnapped him, got what he deserved." Anderson put his hands on his shoulders, and he stared at him silently. John didn't have much to say; the only thing he wants is to be by Kaidan's side.

"Shepard, I know what you're going through."

"No one knows what I'm going through. Kaidan got tortured because of me, and that's something I'll have to live with." John will make sure that Kaidan gets better and his wounds heal, but he doesn't know if he can forget that he had to go through hell because of him.

"You are strong, you will overcome this, and Kaidan will do it too. I arrange so you could have a private room for yourself. Get that hand taken care of, then take a shower. Kaidan is in good hands; you can see him when you finish. We will have time to talk later. "

John nodded. "If something changes, I want to be the first to know."

"You will."

John stepped away from Anderson, and then they began to walk. Anderson led him to his quarter. Once inside, John walked to the bed, sat on it, and covered his face with his hands; then he started to sob. He couldn't get Kaidan's bloody face out of his mind, his beautiful smile gone. His eyes were swollen and bruised. Just imagining how they beat him made him feel physically hurt.

"Oh babe, I'm so sorry."

* * *

_"Hey!"_

_Kaidan jumped when he heard his Commander's voice. "Commander, you scared me."_

_"Really, and how did I do that, Lieutenant?"_

_Every time his Commander was around, he had a hard time making sense; Shepard made him feel hot. Those beautiful blue eyes took his breath away, and Kaidan wonders why that is. Kaidan noticed that Shepard was holding a glass. "Is that Whiskey?" Shepard's lips widened in a beautiful smile that spread across his face._

_"Do you want a glass?"_

_"Thanks for the offer, Commander, but I have a bit of a headache." Kaidan saw that beautiful smile disappear, and he immediately regretted making that comment. The least thing Kaidan wants to do is overwhelm Shepard; the man has too much on his plate right now._

_"You're fine; you need me to find the doctor?"_

_Kaidan is not a person who smiles much, but the smile comes naturally when the Commander is around. Kaidan has never met a man like Shepard, who has shaken up his world, and who makes him feel things he shouldn't feel. "Don't worry, Commander, it's just a slight headache; it's going to go away soon. So, you are celebrating something, or you have a craving for a drink?"_

_"I would say a bit of both." John took a sip of his drink. "Can I ask you something?"_

_"Yes, you can, Commander."_

_"Please call me John, at least when we're alone." The Lieutenant nodded, so he continued. "Why are you always alone?"_

_"I like my solitude, Commander. Sorry, I didn't want to call you, but habits are hard to break."_

_"Honestly, me too, but I like to talk to you." John held out his glass to Kaidan. "Please have a drink with me."_

_"I shouldn't," Kaidan said, but he saw the disappointed face John made, and that made him change his mind. "Okay, but only one." The smile John put on his face said that wasn't going to be his only drink, but he would do anything to please him. "Why you like to talk to me? I'm a very boring guy."_

_"Who said that?"_

_Kaidan had already lost count of the times someone has told him that he is boring, but he is used to it and has accepted it. "Some people."_

_"Well ..." John pointed at Kaidan. "They were wrong," He said before taking another sip from his drink. "I like it when you talk about Jump Zero because you teach me stuff. You are a smart man Kaidan, and you may not believe me, but the way you see things has changed some of my decisions."_

_Kaidan took a few seconds to process what he heard. It is the first time that someone likes to hear about his past, but the best thing he listened was that he had influenced the Commander's decision. The man brought the glass to his mouth with a smile and then handed it to him again, but this time, he didn't hesitate to take another drink. They continued talking, but at one point, John went for more alcohol, and Kaidan felt different; for the first time, he didn't hesitate to speak his mind._

_Kaidan doesn't remember when, but they ended up sitting on the floor with their backs leaning against the wall. Some of Skeleton Screw walked by them, and he didn't care how they were looking at them; he felt happy next to John. "Can I ask you, something Commander?"_

_"Are we back with the formalities?"_

_"I'm sorry, John, won't happen again. Do you have a family?" Kaidan is very discreet, but if he dared to ask, it is because John has allowed him. "You don't have to answer if you don't want to do it."_

_"I don't mind telling you. My parents abandoned me when I was a child, so I grew up on the street."_

_Kaidan didn't know that part of his Commander's life; he had heard of his adventures on the battlefield but not about his childhood. "I'm sorry, John."_

_"Don't be the street made me strong._

_"But that doesn't make it right. I can only imagine the things you had to go through on the street." Kaidan watched the man go quiet and then bring the glass to his mouth. He could feel that he was thinking about his past, and by his face, he realized that they were not pleasant memories._

_"Cold nights were the worst because the cold penetrated your bones, and sometimes your body shook to the point that you thought that night would be your last, but that only made me stronger, harder, and my heart grew cold." John turned his face and ended face to face with Kaidan. "I learned not to get attached to anything or anyone. I don't make friends or allow anyone to get close to me."_

_Kaidan felt that John was sincere, but he doesn't understand why he is there with him right now. "So, what are you doing talking to me, Commander?" Kaidan saw him smile, and he felt his heart warm._

_"I ask myself that same question. I also wonder why I feel so good next to you. You know, Lieutenant, I don't like anyone to question my decisions, but I don't get angry when you do. Tell me why that is? Tell me why when I see you in danger, I feel that my heart will jump out my heart? Tell me, Lieutenant Alenko, why when I look at you, I feel like all my problems vanish."_

_Kaidan had no answer to all those questions; the truth is he feels just as confused. "I am asking myself the same question." John's smile got bigger. "You know, Commander, you have a beautiful smile." After that comment, Kaidan saw John's cheeks turn pink, and he was surprised because he never thought a man like him could blush._

_"Kaidan ... I think I like you."_

_"You think?"_

_"I am sure. I have to tell you, Lieutenant Alenko, that you have the most beautiful eyes I have ever seen in a man, and your lips, I would give anything to feel them."_

_And just like that John, touched his lips with his thumb and moved it around. Kaidan didn't realize when their faces got close, but when John kissed him, he moved his hand and covered their face to reciprocate that kiss. And they kissed, slow a first, but the kiss deepened; it was beautiful. Feeling John's tongue inside his mouth sent a wave of pleasure all over his body, but Kaidan remembered that they were in full view of everyone, so he was forced to break the kiss._

_John didn't pull away; he just kept his forehead against Kaidan's. "Well, Lieutenant, we just broke the laws, so now what?"_

_"I don't know, Commander, as you said, we just broke the rules, but what worries me is that I like you a lot."_

_"Me too, Kaidan, me too. You are an angel, and I am so evil."_

_Kaidan chuckled, then turned his head away from him and leaned it against the wall. "You are not evil commander, you are rude, restless, and sometimes ruthless, but you are not evil," Kaidan spoke and then took another sip of his drink. The alcohol was affecting him because he felt looser and daring. "Wait, let me refresh that. You have a devilish smile, but I like it."_

_"Do you really like it?"_

_"God Commander, you have no idea how much I like your smile; you don't do it all the time, but when you do, you light up everything around you." Kaidan saw John lower his head. "Did I say something wrong?"_

_"No, it's that nobody has ever said something like that to me. I also like the way you smile." John grabbed Kaidan's hand and intertwined their fingers. "I'm going to confess something to you; when we are close to each other, I feel like a silly teenage."_

_They both laughed at the same time. "Me too, Commander, so keep telling me about your childhood, tell me about yourself, John." They continued talking for a long time, and Kaidan felt so good talking to John; he can tell it was the first night he felt happy in a long time._

_,,_

Kaidan tried to open his eyes when he heard John's voice, but he couldn't do it. His head was throbbing badly, his eyes sealed shut, and it hurt to try to open it. He tried to move his hands, he moved his mouth to speak, but he only managed to moan in pain. John kept talking in his ear, sometimes he could hear him, and other times he couldn't make out what he was saying. Kaidan couldn't believe that John was there with him after he let him down in Horizon.

Kaidan felt the tender touch of a hand, and the tears began to roll down his cheeks because there is only one person who touched him that way. This time Kaidan could hear that voice aloud. Kaidan realized that John was crying, and between tears, he asked him to fight, open his eyes, and Kaidan wanted to do it, but he just felt tired. For the last two years, Kaidan has done nothing but fight against life because it took away the only man he loved in his entire life.

Kaidan had a chance, but he screwed it up on Horizon, and that's why he was willing to die for John because he owes him that and because he loves him to death. Kaidan can't believe that he has made it; he honestly thought he would die on that base. Kaidan feels tired; he was beaten, tortured in a horrible way, but he didn't break; he never said what he knew about the Commander. Kaidan would have died before giving any information that he would have put the life of the man he loves in danger.

"If you don't make it, I won't make it either," Kaidan heard John's voice pleading. Kaidan could feel that John was suffering, and that was killing him. John laid his head on his chest, and tears began to wet his shirt, so Kaidan made one last effort, and he managed to move his right hand and laid it on top of John's head. "Don't cry. I'm still here."

John quickly raised his head and saw Kaidan trying to open his eyes. "Don't push yourself, just don't leave me, babe, don't leave me, please."

Kaidan swallowed and only managed to open his eyes a bit. He raised his hand to touch John's cheek, but his sight was so cloudy that he couldn't make out his face; it was his lover who grabbed his hand and brought it to his face. "I am sorry, John."

"You have nothing to feel sorry for, Kaidan. You were brave; you didn't break. You got tortured protecting me, and I will always be grateful to you, but you'd better get well because I am nothing without you."

"Likewise, Commander," was the last thing Kaidan could say before he lost consciousness again; his body was too exhausted to give more.

Kaidan spent the next few days drifting in and out of consciousness, but every time he could open his eyes, even for a little bit, John was always by his side. He still felt weak, but his desire to continue fighting for his life grew over time. John was not the only voice Kaidan heard; at some point, his parents were also in the room. His mother's voice always sounds sweet because she is the most loving woman in this galaxy.

His father was also present, and Kaidan wondered how his old man is getting along with John since he was quite disappointed when he found out what happened between John and him. Kaidan's desire to live grew, but his body seems not to be collaborating with his mind. What the Batarians did to him will be difficult to forget; having those memories is like reliving the moment, and that hurt a lot, but there is only one voice that managed to erase those bad memories, John's voice.

The morning Kaidan could get his eyes wide open, John was lying next to him with his hand gripping his; his eyes were closed because he was fast asleep. Kaidan moved his right hand to touch his cheek then saw him open his eyes, and a beautiful smile spread across his face. "Your smile continues to illuminate everything around you."

"Kai..."

"Commander ..." Then John's lips were on top of his, kissing him with so much affection. "Are you doing okay?" Kaidan asked when they pulled apart.

"Look at you, beaten and hurt, and you still worried about me." John sighed. "Now I'm fine. How do you feel?"

"Like shit."

"Me too, but I'm alive because of you, John." John burst into tears. His heart broke into a thousand pieces; he had never seen him break that way, so Kaidan sought his lips and kissed him until he was able to calm him down. "I hate seeing you suffer."

"I hate what those motherfuckers did to you, but they got what they deserved. I killed them all, Kaidan. I killed the leader with my bare hands."

On another occasion, what John did would have been shocking to him, but nothing surprised him anymore; besides, he knows what John can do for him. "Good work, commander." He moved his hand slowly over John's cheek, he needs to shave, but he found him attractive with the beard. "I was in a dark place when I heard you. Your voice guided me." Kaidan sighed. "They tried to get information from me."

"Shhhh," John stopped him. "I'll make you forget every horrible moment you spent on that base."

The affection that Kaidan saw in John's eyes penetrated his soul. Kaidan felt at peace. "I am sorry for turning my back on you in Horizonte; I was stupid."

"I already forgot, Kai, we don't need to mention again."

"John, I love you."

"I love you more, Kai, much more.”

* * *

John brought the spoon closer to Kaidan's face, but he didn't open his mouth, so he lowered the spoon then stared at him. Kaidan's face was still a bit swollen, but he looked a little better. The swelling around his eyes had gone down a bit, but what worries him the most are the wounds that are not visible. Since Kaidan woke up, he almost doesn't speak; he's always quiet and thoughtful. John knows where Kaidan's mind is.

"Please eat something, love." Kaidan kept looking straight ahead, so he grabbed his chin and turned his face to look at him; his eyes looked sad, shining with tears. "I understand what happened to you; I know where your mind is, but don't close yourself to me."

"I don't know if you can understand how I feel right now, John."

John wasn't bothered by that comment because he understands what Kaidan is feeling. On the street where he grew up, he went through abuse, of course, nothing compared to what Kaidan went through, but that experience helps him understand his mental state right now. "Of course, I know, or you forgot everything I told you about my past." He saw Kaidan's gaze soften. "I'm here for you babe, talk to me."

Tears started to roll down Kaidan's cheek, so John quickly put the bowl aside to lie down next to his lover, who immediately put his arms around his body. John was dying inside, but he stayed strong for Kaidan. He can't break, too, because Kaidan needs emotional support, and that's the only way he can give it to him. He's been through hell in recent weeks, but his man doesn't need to know that. The only good thing about the situation is that John could meet Kaidan's parents. Kaidan's mom is a very loving woman; his husband is a tougher man but has been kind to him.

"I don't want to be in this hospital anymore."

John didn't immediately respond; he studied his answer first. He agrees that hospitals are depressing, and perhaps another environment would be better for his lover's mind. "I have a private quarter on the base. Would you like to share it with me?"

"Yes, but it would not be appropriate."

"And you know I don't give a damn about regularizations." John sought Kaidan's lips and gave him a short but significant kiss. "Or I can rent a place near the base. I'll do whatever you want me to do but don't push me away from you."

"How would I do that? I need you, Commander."

Those were the exact words that John needed to hear right now. Kaidan tightened his arms around his body and put one leg on top of his. John has such a soft spot for Kaidan; his body could hardly ever control himself when he is around him. "Kai..."

"Take these thoughts away from me, Commander, you know how."

There is nothing else in the world that John would want to do than make love to his lover, but he knows that this is not the time or the place to do it. "We can't do that here, babe; besides, your body is too weak right now; we'll have to wait." Kaidan moved his leg, and his knee touched his stiff erection. "Shit. I need to move."

"Don't do it."

"Kai, someone can come in, and you know how difficult it is to hide this," John pointed to his erection, and Kaidan started to move his hand down, but he stopped him. "Babe, please don't be cruel." John heard footsteps outside the room. "Damnit, you see what I'm saying." He took several deep breaths, and his body began to calm down when the door opened; then, they saw James and Cortez enter the room.

"Hello, Commander," James and Cortez saluted.

John got up and immediately pulled his shirt down just in case something will still be noticed. "Good morning, lieutenants."

"We came to see how Major Alenko was doing," James said.

John looked up at the bed, and he noticed the confusion in Kaidan's eyes. "Kai, they were part of the crew that helped me rescue you. Cortez was my pilot, but he also got his hands dirty to rescue you." Kaidan didn't smile; he just continued looking at them silently. John felt a little desperate because he knows that his lover does not behave that way. "Kaidan-"

"Don't worry, Commander," Cortez spoke and looked at the Major. "Major the Commander told us that you were helping his former pilot to pilot the Normandy. I dream of piloting a ship like that too."

"It's not easy, but ... it's a good experience," Kaidan replied. "Thanks for helping the Commander."

"Don't mention it, Major," James said.

John saw Cortez approach the bed and start talking to Kaidan. He was relieved when he made his man smile. After seeing Kaidan, more animated, John asked James to escort him out of the base for a moment and asked Cortez to stay with him. "Kai, I will be back soon."

"Where are you going, John?"

"I'm going to get something better to eat."

Kaidan smiled at that comment. "Steak."

"Are you going to eat it?" Kaidan nodded, so he smiled happily, then walked out with James. He needs some fresh air too. "Wouldn't you mind driving the shuttle?"

"Not at all. Do you have any place in mind?"

"Yes. Kaidan likes the food from a restaurant that is near here." John and James got outside the base when he felt the cool breeze touch his face. The Shuttle was not too far away, therefore in less than five minutes, they were taking off. The restaurant was full because it was almost lunchtime; so, they placed the order and sat down to wait for the order.

"I have to say, Commander, I never expected to see a man like you so domesticated."

"I don't know what you're trying to say, James."

"I heard many stories about you. I also read reports about your mission against Saren. When we were looking for the Major, I saw and felt your despair and realized that he meant a lot to you. At the base, you fought like hell, and I saw you show no mercy, yet I saw a different man in that room where they had the Major held." James shook his head. "I never thought you could have those kinds of feelings. It's like seeing two people in one."

The waitress had brought him a juice while they waited, and John took a drink to cool his throat; then, after he put the glass down, he stared at him. "Me neither, but Kaidan practically taught me how to be a good human and to be kind, but that doesn't mean that I'm going to let my enemies walk all over me. That Batarian messed with the one person who holds meaning to me; therefore, he got what he deserved. " John was honest; there was no reason not to be.

John can understand the Lieutenant's confusion. Sometimes he is surprised how his behavior changed after they met. When John was working together with Cerberus to destroy the collectors, there were times when he had to act ruthlessly. Still, when John was alone, he was once again a normal man living hell because the person he loves was not there helping him. Maybe James is right, and there are two different men inside him, but only one count, the man Kaidan learned to love with his virtues and flaws.

"Do you love the Major?"

A smile spread across his face, just thinking of his response. Love was a feeling that didn't exist for him, but Kaidan brought that feeling like a storm that he got used to quickly. "More than myself. There is one more thing that Kaidan taught me. You are no less man or soldier because you love another human being." John was quiet for a few seconds while taking another drink of his juice. "At first, it was weird caring about someone, but I got used to it, and I'm not ashamed to admit that without Kaidan, I don't have a soul."

"From what you've told me, the Major is a good person."

"Kaidan is more than that; he is an Angel. If I'm still in the fight, it's because I want a galaxy free of enemies to share with him."

"Those are intense feelings, Commander."

John chuckled and looked out the window. "I guess something from Kaidan rubbed off on me." They both laughed for a little while, and John felt good talking to the Lieutenant.

"Thank you for sharing that with me, Commander."

"I can see that you are a good soldier, James. You act like I used to do it at your age, mining you are enthusiastic and fast. I reacted first and thought later. I was very impulsive, but I am calmer now. Don't let your feelings take over you because when that happens, things tend to end badly."

"I would like to be like you."

"Be yourself, James." John saw the waitress arrive with the order. "Thank you, sweetheart," John said with a smile. "Let's go; I want Kaidan to eat; he needs it. I'm going to talk to the doctor so that he can stay with me in my quarters until I lease a place."

"I think the Major is going to get better faster outside of the hospital."

"I agree. Kaidan likes the ocean; maybe a place near the beach would suit him.

They left the restaurant and returned to the Shuttle. John knows that he can't exhibit himself in public, but on earth, he feels safe; off-world is something else. John wants to take Kaidan away, where nothing disturbs him, where he can have a little peace, and he thinks he has the perfect place in mind. When he got to the hospital a bit later, Kaidan's parents were in the room; the four of them were talking. After greeting them, John walked over to Kaidan and kissed his forehead.

"I want you to eat it all," John ordered, not caring that Kaidan's parents are present and that they might disagree with the way he spoke to him.

"I'll do it."

"We are going to leave, Commander; please let me know where the two of you are staying to go visit," James said.

"I will do that, James."

"Why did James say you guys were leaving? Is there something you haven't told us, Shepard?" Kaidan's father asked when the lieutenants left the room.

"Dad, I don't want to stay here anymore."

"I understand, but then you'll come with us. You have your bedroom in our house where your mother can take care of you."

"Yes, son. I will take care of you and prepare your favorite dishes like when you were a child," Mary said.

John sat up and began to unpack the food, grabbed the box containing Kaidan's lunch, and sat on the chair next to the bed to feed him. John doesn't want to be away from Kaidan, but he understands that his parents want to take care of him; therefore, it wouldn't be his decision. The thing is that where his lover goes, he will go too. John knows that the Reapers still there, but right now, the main thing is to make sure that Kaidan gets better so that they can fight together.

"Dad, mom, I'll stay with John."

"But why son?" Mr. Alenko asked.

Kaidan looked at his mother. "Mom, you know how I suffered when John died. We lost so much time, so my place is with him right now."

John fixed a bite for Kaidan. "Open your mouth." Kaidan did, and that made him smile.

"My son can eat by himself," Peter said.

John looked at the man. Peter's angry tone didn't go unnoticed by him, but he understood the man. John was not trying to take away Kaidan's father's authority; he loved that man so much that he wants to take care of him. "Look at Kaidan's hand, Peter." Kaidan's hands had severe cuts, which are already healing, but it still hurt to hold things.

Peter looked at his son's hands. "I am sorry."

"You don't have to apologize; I understand that you feel upset with me because you think I am going to steal the time you can have with your son." John turned his attention to Kaidan but continued to address Peter. "If Kaidan wants to be with me, you can both be sure that I will take good care of him." Kaidan ate the whole bite, and he gave him a smile as a reward.

"How about the Reapers, Shepard?"

"How about them?" John asked when he didn't understand the question.

"You told us they were coming; you have to be preparing yourself and not be my son's nurse."

John saw Kaidan wince. "Are you OK?" Kaidan nodded, and he took another bite then looked at Peter. I'll be ready, but my priority right now is Kaidan. Your son needs to be in a peaceful place so that his body and mind can heal."

"We have a house on the outskirts of the city, the place has a large lot, and no one lives for miles away; I know my son will feel good there." Mary looked at Kaidan. "When Kaidan was a boy, we spent the holidays there. The beach is close, and he always liked to walk near the water. There he can find the peace of mind that he needs."

"I had another place in mind, but that idea seems fantastic to me. What do you say, love?" John didn't need an answer because he saw it in his eyes. Peter finally agreed, and then he convinced the doctor that leaving was the best thing to do for Kaidan. John left Kaidan with his parents to make arrangements to leave the hospital soon.

When John returned to the hospital, his man was alone and asleep; he did not want to wake him up, so he tried not to make as much noise as possible. He sat on the chair and ran his hands over his head, then stared at Kaidan. Even though his lover's face looked bruised, the man looked beautiful. He knows that his wounds will heal, and he's going to make Kaidan forget the horrible things they did to him. It will be lovely to spend a few days together just as they did two years ago.

John saw Kaidan begin tossing and turning on the bed, and he reached over and grabbed him by the shoulders. "Kai, love ..." John saw him open his eyes which had a fearful look. "Babe, it's me, John." Kaidan pulled him down then hugged him so tight it almost took his breath away. He was shaking like a leaf. "Babe, you are shivering. Are you cold?"

"A little."

"I'll call the doctor."

"Not just lie down on the bed with me and hold me tight."

John didn't need Kaidan to tell him twice, so he took off his shoes, lay in the bed with him, and then passed the blanket over their bodies. "Do you feel better?"

"Yes, I do."

John began to regret what he is about to do because it is evident that his lover is still not well. "Maybe it's a mistake to get you out of the hospital so soon."

"I don't want to be here; I don't want to see anyone but you. I love my parents, but right now, the only person I need is you."

John smiled at that and began to stroke his lover's back slowly, then kissed his cheek. "I am going to take care of you."

"I know you will. When you were gone, you know John; you don't know how much I missed your arms around my body. I longed for you, I cried for you for two years, and when I saw you, I screwed up."

"Babe, I already told you that is in the past." John didn't want to talk about the past; he wants them to start from scratch.

"I let you down, and still, you came to save me. I don't deserve you, John."

"Look at me, babe." Kaidan raised his head, and he could look into his beautiful brown eyes. "Horizon was not pleasant for either of us. You got hurt, me too, and yes, I'm not going to deny that I was very angry with you, but my idea was to clear things up as soon as we met again." John moved his lips to Kaidan's and gave him a loving kiss. "We already met love, and I don't care what happened in Horizonte because I love you, and love is forgiveness; you taught me that."

"Oh John, I was a fool."

"Yes, but a super cute one." John gave him a more significant kiss, and for a while, they did nothing but kiss each other then they sat still curled up on the bed. "Do you remember what Ashley told us?"

Kaidan chuckled. "That we were both too sappy."

"I think she was right. You know, when I was with my other crew on the Normandy, I did nothing but work, and when I was alone, the only thing I did was think about you." John moved his mouth to his lover's cheek and slowly kissed it around. "I was so powerful, but my heart was so empty, and you filled it. Those months without you were horrible, and I am aware that you suffered more than me, but believe me, Kaidan, that a second without you is like an eternity." John continued speaking; he wanted to erase the sadness that he sees in Kaidan's eyes.

"That Batarian wanted to find you to kill you, but I would have given my life for you because I love you madly."

For a few seconds, John was silent, enjoying his lover's arms around his body because they made him feel calm. "I know. What you did for me, erase anything bad that happened in the past between us, love."

"I will never doubt you again."

"You better," John laughed. "I guess Ashley was right, and we're both too sappy." Kaidan laughed, and then they kissed each other again for a long time. Kaidan laid his head on his chest, and they remained silent as he stroked his back.

Those moments were those that he missed when he didn't have Kaidan. John wouldn't trade the peace Kaidan gives him for nothing in the world. They used to lie like that when they were off duty. Sometimes he was the one who laid his head on his loving chest as he read a book. In those moments of peace, John forgot everything, Saren, the Geths, nothing mattered but Kaidan. He is sure that there is nothing more peaceful than his lover's arms.

"I want to see the sunset with you."

"I give you my word that we are going to see many sunsets and sunrises together," John said, then kissed his lover's cheek. "I love you, baby."

"So, do I, John, a lot."


End file.
